Naked Tuba Players March 23 2008

I just used that naked tuba business to see if I could get more hits.  CARLA–YOU’RE IN OUR HEARTS DAILY

Okay, so I’m not very happy this Easter morning.  I have an idiot from the RALEIGH NEWS AND OBSERVER for a paper delivery person. (Remember paper boys–MS. BOB was one and he was good–He used to put the paper by the door and was punctual)  This IDIOT from the RALEIGH NEWS AND OBSERVER can’t remember where my house is.  He missed on Wednesday-Thursday-Friday and today.  I called, you think that would work! Oh no-first you get this recording “Thank you for calling the RALEIGH NEWS AND OBSERVER –but it’s a recording, then they tell you to call another number, then they tell you they’re not open yet but use the automated doodad, then they have you push a bunch of buttons, then they say you’re calling too early—but the paper next door is there, but you can’t tell anyone.  If they mess up tomorrow I’m going to steal all the papers in the neighborhood, until they get enough calls they fire IDIOT PAPER DELIVERY PERSON FOR THE RALEIGH NEWS AND OBSERVER.  So then I write an e-mail, and go in search of a paper.  Except some old fart races me to the box and gets the last one–so I have to drive to Kroger and they charge me an extra 10 cents for tax.  So I get home and write the editor.  Here’s what I write

Dear Dumb new Editor,

You have messed up the paper and now I have a stupid paper delivery person who can’t find my house.  He keeps giving my neighbor (who is crazy) a paper but not me!  I pay my bill with real American dollars just like my neighbor but he gets a paper but not me.  I want to know why?  And the loud guy down the street gets a paper too!  Are you discriminating against me because my wife has Alzheimer’s?  Maybe you are punishing me because I figured out that conspiracy where you always show Hillary with a big “O” mouth.  Haven’t you ever heard of the constitution?  I am going to say bad things about you on my blog (okay this is funny too, when I run spell check it underlines blog-and this is a blog site).-You can’t stop me-and I will continue to say that the  News and Observer stinks until you fix it.  PS you have too many comics and I don’t want to hear anymore about Brittany, not her running around naked or selling her clothes.

I’ll let you know.  My wife (who has this condition Alzheimer’s) went to Savannah this weekend.  I am worried she’ll end up somewhere else.  I called her yesterday to check on her and someone was yelling in the background–I think she was at the wrong place.  I was going to surprise her by doing some work around the house, so I got some bleach water to spray some areas around that had a little mold.  Well, I guess something was broke in the sprayer thing I got at www.acehardware.com because when I pumped it up the thing suddenly decided it was Old Faithful.  Bleach water shot about 8 feet in the air and covered me and everything and made spots on my deck and stuff.  So I had a www.stellaartois.com. 

Well, I had to work for these news stories because I can’t seem to get delivery of THE NEWS AND OBSERVER BECAUSE OF PAPER DELIVERY IDIOT.

First according to Pravda (online since Jan 27 1999) some fishermen in the Rostov area of Russia found this fish after a storm.  They said it was an alien, and made squeaking noises, and looked real funny.  So they took pictures with their phone and then ate it.  Now I don’t know about you but if I found a real weird fish I wouldn’t eat it.  I like my fish out of a Mrs Paul’s box.  Sometimes my wife (who has Alzheimer’s) says something like ‘Let’s cook some Salmon on the grill” so I go to Kroger (who charges an extra 10 cents for the stinking NEWS AND OBSERVER ) and get her some.  But I won’t eat it because I don’t know if this fish might not be some alien thing.

One more thing (since I don’t have my usual source of getting started THE NEWS AND OBSERVER BECAUSE MY PAPER DELIVERY PERSON IS AN IDIOT) According to a recent article in “Space” scientists at MIT are all excited because they found methane on some “alien world”.  They are “cautiously optimistic that the research data is robust”  then it goes on to say that methane may not be a sign of life but usually is and can be  caused by “termites, land fills, wetlands, and even livestock…” So now I’m all messed up.  First if we know that why are those Swedish Scientists doing all those experiments on cows and methane (it also says in the article that methane tends to break up in earths atmosphere) but what about that wetland stuff.  I thought wetlands were good.  That ducks and stuff needed them, (and a place for alien fish) but now they create methane, which has something to do with global warming, which we need more of because it’s cold, and the sea ice is shrinking (or growing, or less thick, or more thick, or going to create a new ice age, or going to make gigantic hurricanes, or not) and it’s all because of termites (who are bad) and wetlands, and what does Al Gore have to say about that?  I remember reading around 1975, that the earth had  been through an abnormally stable period, and that it was starting to wobble on it’s axis more.  Just a thought.

Sunspots, winds, wetlands—OH MY

Finally a few comments about the blog.  I didn’t send out e-mails last week and got 10 hits.  Shrug.  There is not a web site for naked tuba players (but the search did get 11000 hits) If you’re here for “naked tuba players” you should get some help.  Go Hogs! 

March 16th 2008

Carla–we haven’t forgotten you

Well now I have something else to worry about.  Two articles this week about drugs in the drinking supply.  They found a bunch of drugs in the rivers around Philadelphia, and in Lake Meade.  Enough to mess up the fish even.  All the stuff passing through people’s systems or being flushed isn’t getting cleaned up by waste water treatment, and right into the drinking water it goes.  So the fish are getting a cocktail of anti-depressants and other stuff, and it’s goofing them up.  I think that place by the Chesapeake Bay where they had the muskrat skinning beauty pageant must have some of that drug water.  I think they should put some drugs in the water where the Asian Carp are.  But still I don’t want other people used drugs in my drinking water. I think this is not good and Hillary should do something about it.  There was a picture of Hillary in the paper and she looked semi-normal except her face looked like it was injected with plastic or something.  She takes lousy pictures.  But I’m all for her–GO Hillary GO Hillary HAHAHA–she says she’s going to reinstate the draft, not talk to those Saudi guys, fix the economy, give everyone a bunch of money, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, not drill in Alaska, protect the environment, and stop global warming–all by herself.  GO Hillary (go away) I don’t like that part about stopping global warming.  I’m against that!  GLOBAL WARMING WE NEED MORE.  What we don’t need more of is the Chinese.  Now not only are they trying to send all their lead over here, they’ve started putting viruses in electronic toys.  I-Pods, GPS systems and the like have Chinese viruses in them that mess up your computer if you plug them in.  You know, first is was the Pandas, and then the chop sticks, then lead, and now these sick gadgets–I think they make me mad.  And then I hear the Dodgers and the Padres played an exhibition game over there (which leave it to the National League ended in a 3-3 tie) but the Chinese didn’t know what was going on.  Secret Chinese Agent Man (Mac) would know because he likes the St Ruis Cardnars.  Then–not only that-but the Chinese have closed Mt Everest-no going up there until after the Or-rimpics.  Because why? because they want to run the Or-rympic torch up there.  Because why? Because they are goofy.  And THEN-they say they foiled a plot by terrorists except they didn’t or at least no one believes them.  I don’t either because if they can’t even make a Barbi doll that won’t kill you how can they do anything else. 

Then you got this business with the lady in Wichita.  Apparently she spent 2 years sitting on the commode, and her boyfriend brought her food.  She was there so long that she literally grew to the toilet seat and it had to be surgically removed.–at a hospital.  This is kind of a dumb story but the AP article was hilarious.  (By Roxana Hegeman–who must be an idiot) In one quote a guy says ‘She was not glued she was not tied she was stuck by her body” anyone but me think that sounds stupid.  But my favorite line by Roxana was ‘Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally of physically disabled” Excuse me–she had to have a toilet seat surgically removed because she sat on it for two years?

Roxana: Sheriff do you know if she was mentally of physically disabled?

Real Sheriff: I have no information to confirm or dispute that information at this time

Sheriff Greg: Are you stupid? She had a toilet seat surgically removed because she refused to get off it for two years.  In my book she’s a nut with a ugly scar. And her boyfriend is a kook too.

Perhaps the above explains why I’ve never considered a career in politics. 

Hey you know that Obama guy–remember the name Revok–or something like it–it’ll come up.

And in finally goofiness-Leona Helmsley the millionaire lady left 12M to her dog and cut her grandkids out of her will.

I think I don’t feel like writing anymore–Hit the Stella link–I am going to write them soon and see if they’ll send me a sign or glass or something.

March 9th 2008

CARLA WE CONTINUE TO THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY

Well, Hillary won big–Go Hillary Go Hillary HA HA HA.  I saw a picture of her and she was SMILING. This is not good.  Instead of the big “O” mouth she had these lumps by her nose.  I don’t mean little pokey bumps-I mean big deformed looking lumps.  They were big and round.  They stuck way out of her face.  I think her face is messed up from the nose down.  Either she’s got the big “O” mouth, the pushed out chin or the lump thing going on.  The top of her face is okay.  I’m tagging this blog “Hillary’s lumps”.

I’m still mad at the Parade magazine about them making it so hard to find.  Today it was between the Pep Boys and Best Buy ads.  I don’t like this so I wrote them a letter and here it is

I like your magazine, except for that guy on the front page who is kinda smarmy.  Actually I don’t read the rest of it except for Marilyn who I think is pretty smart.  But not as smart as my friend Jonathan who I call MS. BOB (Mr. Smarty Britches Oklahoma Boy) He could beat the pants off her at chess. GO JONATHAN GO JONATHAN HAHAHA.  Anyway I am tired of having to look through all the advertising to get to Marilyn.  Some days I say “If it weren’t for Marilyn I’d stop”.  I think you should make the newspaper put your magazine where I could find it. My wife (who has Alzheimer’s) says you do it so you can sell your magazine by tricking people into looking at all that other stuff.  I don’t listen to her because she thinks she knows everything–but that’s not true only MS. BOB and Marilyn do.  I want to know what Marilyn says.  MS. BOB says—Howdy P.S. What’s up with that interviewer guy’s haircut?

They haven’t replied.

This past week I had to file some papers at the Durham Courthouse.  There was this really young, (ahem) fat girl at the counter.  She could only get around by scooting across the floor on a stool.  He behind was REALLY big, so all you could see was this post with wheels going across the floor.  She said I had to fill out this paperwork in triplicate, and said I could use a table and there was carbon paper on it.  I said “Carbon paper!!!! Does Albert “I won a prize” Gore know about this stuff? Because he really hates carbon.”  She looked at me kinda funny and said “No it’s like ink paper, you put it between the sheets and it’ll copy what you write”  I said “My goodness what will they think of next”  So I went to the desk, but decided to trick her–so I put the paper in upside down.  When I brought it back all the writing was on the back of the paper I was working on.  She said “You did this wrong see it’s on the back”  I said ‘Boy this is complicated-do you have some directions?” She said “No just turn the carbon paper over’ Then she gave me a new set of forms.  So I sat at the desk and kept turning the paper this way and that so she said ‘No you have to turn it over on the other side”  So I turned the whole stack of papers over and said ‘But now I can’t see the questions because it’s upside down”  She said “Bring it to me”  I think she was getting kind of bossy.  But I did because I was afraid she’s start rolling that stool around and break something.  So then she fixed it for me.  There was a question I had to answer about “with prejudice” or “without prejudice”.  So I asked her ‘What if I don’t like the Chinese?” She called over her boss and I started acting right.

My friend Mac always says Hiya, you know when he sees me he says “Hiya Greg”  I think I figured this out.  He is really a Secret Chinese Agent Man (SCAM) he’s really saying Hai JA (which is Chinese for karate chop).

Now tell me what’s up with these SuperDelegates.  Who are these guys?  How do you get to be one?  I would like to be a super-something.  They say that the SuperDelegates will be important and that they don’t have to get votes–they just get to be one.  This sounds wrong but it gives me an idea.

The Adventures of SuperDelegate and Deformity Man

SuperDelegate    ‘I yamhere to save the day” ( Deep basso voice except the “day” is falsetto)

Deformity Man   “I used to be a super hero”

SuperDelegate   “I yamhere to save the day”

Deformity Man  “Got it pal, but don’t those pantyhose bother you?”

SuperDelegate   “I yamhere to save the day”  (SuperDelegate isn’t real smart”

DeformityMan   “I had pantyhose when I was Refomity Man but I always had a wedgie-that’s why I’m DeformityMan now”

Enter SCAM

Deformity Man  “Who are you?”

SCAM             “Hai Ja, I’m a Chinese secret agent”

SuperDelegate  ‘I yamhere to save the Day”

SCAM              “Ruerookarikahomo”

DeformityMan   “Hey look it’s Hillary”

SCAM              “Hirrary Crinton?”

SuperDelegate   ‘I yamhere to save the day”

DeformityMan   “I wish you would shut up”

SCAM              “Hirrary? Why rue have rumps on rue face? Rue  never

                          hear of rip-o-suction?”

Hillary               “You should be ashamed Mr. Scam they are cheeks not

                         rumps”

SCAM              “Rumps, cheeks what’s the difference?”

DeformityMan   “SuperDelegate has a bony butt”

SuperDelegate   “I yamhere to save the day”

SCAM              “Oh No it’s Arbert “I won a plize” Gore

Al Gore             “I yamhere to save the day”

SCAM              “Why rue no fix the ozone hore

For further adventures of SuperDelegate and DeformityMan hit the Stella link.  Actually I just decided to tag this ‘Hillary’s Rump”

Last week I talked about the Russian Scientist who said buy warm coats.  I think this is a Putin trick.  They want everyone to quit worrying about global warming so the snow it Russia will melt and they can get to more oil and stuff. That way they can get more land and stuff.  Don’t be tricked by this.  There is a big flap-doodle about the polar bears and the ice.  Frankly I don’t care about Polar bears.  I mean I tried but I can’t think of one good reason that they matter.

If anyone’s confused, click the line that says Blazji’s baby for a picture in the previous post.  I got 71 hits this week. Some of the search phrases are pretty funny.  I got one “plumbing problems” and one about “Archie Manning sperm” (that one bothered me)  Anyway, that made me want to try this

buck naked Brittany Spears

buck naked Tipper Gore

buck naked Super Delegate

buck naked MS. BOB

I am going to add the tag   “Buck or Butt naked?”

  HIT THE STELLA LINK

                         

Blazji” baby

Blazji and Ania’s new baby