February 24th 2008

Well, my alarm clock is acting up again–so I took matters in my own hands and wrote those Hamlicker-Smellinger guys a letter. I wrote them.

Dear German Guys,

 

You have a lot of letters in your name, but that’s okay because I’m German too.  I have two problems that I should discuss with you.

 

The first problem is this clock I got.  My sister-in-law sent it to me for Christmas (2006).  While I think this isn’t your problem—still you sold it to her.  It’s called a Peaceful Progression Wake Up Alarm (made in China).  Here’s the issue the progression is broken.  Suddenly the part where it “gradually lightens the room” doesn’t work. This morning it went on real bright and then started blinking like a bunch of real fast clouds were going by.  My wife, who has Alzheimer’s, says it’s because the filament is broke.  I don’t listen to her because she has this condition.  I think it’s the Chinese.  They have a problem with lead.  I say “Hey China Get the Lead Out” what do you say?  Anyway it seems like in the morning there are really fast clouds going by.  What should I do?

 

Also just to help you do good in your business I think your web site is bad.  There are too many letters.  Look at your name.  You should be HandS.com.  I looked this up and there is some guy in England who uses this.  He does some kind of fancy-schmntzy consulting and says on his web site that if he’s too expensive to FIND SOMEONE ELSE.  He is Mr. Arrogant.  Buy his web site, and then you’ll get a lot of money.  HandS for this arrogant cuss ends with a com dot doohickey.  I will be happy to check out org.com or net.com or edu.com if you’ll fix my clock.

 

Also—what’s up with those birds?  The default sound is a bunch of very scary birds (I think there is a T.Rex or Paradactyl or some kind of Chinese swoop down and bite your private parts bird).  I think you should get some less scary bird to wake me up. 

  

Greg (Kramer) Robertson

  

PS.  If you want to change your web-site I suggest you look at

Godaddy.com.

When I sent the e-mail I got a response that they were closed due to bad weather (snow)  I think someone should tell Albert “I guarandamntee you I won a prize” Gore that this is another reason I say ‘Global warming what’s so bad about it?”  Do businesses shut down when it’s hot?  Global Warming good for the economy.  Anyway back to the Hamlicker Smellinger guys, I will post their response IF I get 20 clicks to www.stellaartois.comwhis week  If not I will write about my aches and pains next week.  It easy just put your mouse over the www.stellaartois.com and you’ll get a snap shot of www.stellaartois.com  click that and there you are.  You will get to watch a really dumb movie.  Mark said I would get more “hits” from the general public if I tagged my blogs, so when I posted the “Oldies but Goodies” I tagged it beer, bikinis, babes.  This didn’t work, but if you google “gregrobertson blog” it comes up three times once for each B.  I am tagging this blog “Al Gore is a redneck”  Mark says he’s going to start writing on his blog again.  This makes me Mark’s muse.  Actually, the trip stories have been “hit” several times this week.

Ellen’s Alzheimer’s abated a little last week.  She asked a really hard question.  I was drinking a www.stellaartois.com when she said ‘That beer is made in Belgium” Uh-duh..it says so right on the www.stellaartois.combottle.  She said “That’s close to Holland.” Uh-yeah–But here was her question “Why would you spend all that effort to keep the water out just to live in a freezing-ass (sometimes she talks like that) place?”  You know what–I don’t know.  Then she asked me how old she looked and I knew her Alzheimer’s was back.

I’m sure happy we shot down that satellite.  But now a bunch of people are saying we just did it because of the Chinese.  There was even a cartoon in the paper where a bunch of countries were making rockets to shoot down stuff.  One of the countries was Podunkistan.  I don’t think they should make fun of the -stan countries.  I knew a guy in high school named Stan and he was a pretty good fellow. Stan would be a good name for the President.  Anyway in this cartoon a guy was going to jump on a seesaw and hurl a rock in the air.  This is discriminatory against those -stan countries (there sure a lot of them and their all close to each other) I don’t think this jumping on a seesaw would work.  How would you aim?  I think someone would get bonked on the head.  You would need an extra guy to yell “Look out”

Over in Madagascar they found this big frog.  Well, not really, they found it’s bones.  It took scientists (Swedish?) fifteen years to find all the bones.  They say it was the size of a bowling ball and ate dinosaurs.  Now if it ate dinosaurs maybe the bones got mixed up.  They couldn’t have found all the bones in one spot if it took 15 years.  maybe the dinosaur ate the frog.  There was a picture of this frog and it was real big.  I wonder who paid a guy for fifteen years to put a frog together.  Someone wasn’t real smart.  I wouldn’t want to lve in Madagascar for fifteen years.  The name of this frog is Beelzebufo, who thought that up?  I know what a Beelzebub is–does this mean it’s a devil frog?  I guess there’s not much to do in Madagascar.

About that mess in Kosovo.  I don’t think a country should end in “O”  They have a real ugly flag. It’s gold with some dragon or something on it in red.  It looks like the couch in a bordello (ends with “O”)

Why do all the pictures of Hillary make her mouth look funny?  She either has a big “O” looking mouth or a squish your lips together and look mad” mouth.  I don’t recall a candidate with a mouth like hers.  I think she should get some training in how to do her mouth so she won’t look so deranged all the time.  Go Hillary Go Hillary HA HA HA.  I am adding a tag to this called “Hillary’s Mouth”  I think if she doesn’t win this is the reason.  I think the media is trying to make her look bad with her mouth.  Probably some editor says ‘Go take pictures of Hillary with her mouth in a goofy configuration.”  This is because of media bias.  Someone needs to do an investigation.  Hillary would do better if she drank a few www.stellaartois.com beers.  She would have to make the “O” expression a smaller “O” or she’d spill it.

They say there are now 995,000 words in the English language.  I made up the words “scam-doodle” and leaf drift.  I wonder if they counted those.  If not there are 995,002.

Next week-news of the world or my aches and pains–you decide www.stellaartois.com and yeah it’s a really dumb movie.

Oldies But Goodies

Okay that last “Sopranos” episode was a big scam-doodle (I just made that up! Scam-doodle) what a bunch of hype for nothing.  There are blogs and internet pages popping up everywhere with mad people.  It was on the BBC, and all the morning shows.  I chimed in on our local “about town” thingy.  In a way (since I watched it again last night) it was inspired, but mostly it was just bad.  So I say Cancel your HBO, refuse to see the movie, this was a SCAM-DOODLE!!!!!!

Scam-doodle I wonder how the Chinese would translate that?

But I find out that other countries also make rather funny mistakes in translating English

Doctors Office in Rome

“Specialist in women and other diseases

Hotel Acapulco

“The manager has personally passed all the water served here”

Air Conditioner Instructions in Japan

“”If you want just condition of warm air in room control yourself”

Nairobi restaurant

“Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager”

Nairobi restaurant

“Open 7 days a week and weekends”

Nairobi restaurant (on a restroom hand dryer)

“Do not operate with wet hands”

Tokyo Hotel

“Customers are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed”

Hotel Bucharest (I think we stayed here)

The lift is being fixed for next day, until then you will be unbearable”

Hotel Yugoslavia

“The flattening of underwear, with pleasure, is the job of the chambermaid”

Supermarket Hong Kong

“For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service”

Hotel Vienna

“In case of fire, do utmost to alarm porter”

Other than that things are quiet here, we plan to head for the boat tomorrow, Mark was here over the weekend and Mom has scheduled her visit from July 5^th to the 9^th.

No changes on the work front, although I did find a job yesterday that really looks good to me, so keep your fingers crossed.

That’s about it.

Well, I hoped to have some good news this week, but things didn’t pan out.  I had a lot of activity last week but in the end I’m still looking.  A couple of things are still “open” and I found some really good stuff this week.  I’m narrowing my focus to a lesser number of “industries” and spending more time focusing on those…so we’ll see…hopefully in the next 3-4 weeks I’ll have something positive to report.

Last weekend was spent at the boat, and what a beautiful weekend!  Thursday was pretty hot; we got together with Cheryl and David and rode their boat until sunset, and then stayed at their house (too hot). By Friday it had really cooled off with lows around 58 and highs in the upper 80’s.  Friday and Saturday we visited with folks on the dock, a pretty eclectic crew.  At one point I looked around and was surrounded by an IT guy, a professor at UNC who teaches astronomical chemistry (whatever that is) a retired vet and etc, the politics were interesting.

Anyway I’ve got a number of issues to discuss

1. Deer—I hate deer.  My Uncle writes that after moving back to the mid-west he was enchanted with the deer for 4 days, until he noticed his roses were eaten. I propose a new society of which Howard and I will be charter members. BAN DEER (Bambi ain’t nice; Devours everything edible regularly) I say we push congress to deport the deer to the Budapest zoo (they have raccoons but no deer) There’s this stinky stuff you can buy to run them off, but I have a better plan—German Shepard’s; I’m gonna get me one and then get some deer scent and make them smell it while I whack him on the head with a newspaper.  I really hate deer.
2. Japanese Beetles—I hate Japanese beetles; besides I’m mad at the Japanese anyway as they are trying to re-write history Tojo’s granddaughter is running for something and says Grandpa wasn’t so bad in that he wrote poetry (Drop a bomb on the USA, Make sure they have a really bad day, Make all their warships go away, Then we’ll move on to LA, kill ‘em all that’s what I say, Drop a bom on the USA) Haiku?  Anyway about these bugs there’s as bad as the deer.  I got this “Bag-a-Bug” stuff, the bag was full overnight, so I got some more bags—now I have 346 bags, my yard looks like a used car lot where they got all those flashy doo-dads that reflect the sun.  Lindsey won’t come home.
3. Geese—About that goose-whisperer in the Netherlands, seems they have a goose issue and this guy gets down at goose eye level and then bobs his head and makes a goose-like bill with his hands and talks to them and makes them act right.  He explained after a goose nipped someone that the goose didn’t appreciate her invading its private space without warning.  Aren’t narcotics legal in the Netherlands?  This guy is nuttier than my bluebird cam neighbor.
4. Monkeys—Over in India some guy was looking out the window when a monkey swooped in and stole his sunglasses.  Because of insurance he filed a police report and there was a massive monkey hunt.  Just look for the one trying to look anonymous hiding behind sunglasses that’s what I say.
5. Pigs—There is an artistic pig here in Raleigh (which just passed Wichita (HUH?) as the 50^th largest city in the US (Wichita who knew? I know you can’t buy gas there) anyway the pig makes paintings (abstract) one sold for 1300 dollars (I can NOT make this stuff up) but now the pig has snout cancer and is getting radiation treatment at NC State, if interested you can make a donation to help defray costs at NC State Vet Hosp. Acct 10930 Attn: Smithfield (the pigs name is Smithfield)
6. Ducks—Well not really, I’m really off the Dewey Decimal System (Dewey was related to Donald—There was this bad movie once called “Howard the Duck” that makes me laugh, Howard the Duck had this big goofy duck face and always wore sunglasses, I wonder if the monkey knew? — Anyway back to the Dewey Hughie and Louie decimal system who though this up? Dewey? Who was he? What makes him so smart?  People at the library say it’s real easy, well so is astronomical chemistry if you’re an astronomical chemist.  Like under one classification 100-199 is Psychology and Philosophy which contains stuff like death and dying and optical illusions, and magic tricks. Children’s stories and Shakespeare are in the same section.  Some company in Dublin Ohio BOUGHT the Dewey Decimal system in 1988. Why? Do they get a kickback? I think it’s a nefarious plot by the SOOLTKRPITDAFCS (Secret Order of Librarians to Keep Regular People in the Dark and Frustrate College Students) I am proposing the Robertson System of Simplicity.  Put signs on the shelves like “History” and “Cooking” not this 723.78.456547.09845.847-34 stuff.

There was an interesting article in today’s paper.  The Russians intend to send a submarine under the North Pole and plant a flag to declare the whole Artic their territory, okay but here’s the problem, it’s a bad ice year, too much ice but But BUT….I thought the whole thing melted.  According to the article the ice has been melting since the BEGINNING of the 20^th century Huh—Does Al Gore know? I thought he invented global warming. He’s older than I thought. 

Castro is still alive, Lindsey still a drunk, Brittany is nuts, Paris isn’t in the news, and I’m 8-8 on the “hard” Sudoku puzzles recently.

Boy, haven’t the pro sports leagues taken a hit lately; Detroit has the best record in baseball, and bunch of people are riding bikes around France.  Lots of rain in England, tornados in Poland, and stifling heat in Romania and Bulgaria.

Talk about Mad Dogs and Englishmen, there was a toy museum in London (guess it’s still there) and one of the displays was teddy bears.  It included Elvis Presley’s childhood bear.  The guard dog went berserk and tore them all up.  The damage was estimated at 19,000 dollars. (Or pounds I forget)

Busy week, we had Ellen’s mom’s birthday party at the nursing home on Saturday.  Tuesday Helen, Andrew and THE TAZ arrived.  The first thing the TAZ did was EAT MY CASHEWS! Then she —ah never mind.  The party went off well; Mark came up Saturday and attended as well as several members of Tommie’s old church.  Friday night I cooked steak and Saturday night it was ribs and chicken with my own special BBQ sauce which Andrew pronounce awesome.  I think that is the ultimate compliment.  We had a “cool” front come through.  Temps in the lower nineties, but it made sitting out at night enjoyable.  Saturday night Ellen and I just chilled and watched the baby fish in the pond.  Like I mentioned there’s a bunch.  I don’t think Mark was too impressed.  Ellen dragged him out and he left about 45 seconds later.  We also ended up talking to our friends in California twice this week.  The first time was to clear up Lindsey’s “infraction” from July 4^th.  That little episode is going to cost 172 dollars.  Then they called Saturday night, but it’s possible they might have been drinking.  Let’s see what else.  I still have high hopes for all my cuttings, except the Rhododendrons they do not seem to like the idea of rooting.  The blueberry plants have gone plum nuts, one blackberry looks pretty healthy, the other a might sickly, and the fig trees seem to be holding their own.  It’s been hot here but not as bad as the rest of the country.

Today we leave for Myrtle Beach, for the association convention.  I will actually get paid to hang out at the beach.

Now listen, about those Chinese, I am becoming increasingly fed up.  I think it started last week when I went to make coffee.  I believe I mentioned that I despise our coffee maker (made in China) well when I was pouring the water out of the bucket thingies (ever notice how men and women define thingies different?) into the hole, the bucket slipped.  This resulted in a thorough soaking of my shirt and pants at 5:30 a.m. and the water was cold.  This in turn renewed my distrust of the Chinese.  So I started looking around.  The TAZ had a ball with all the Disney princesses on it guess what “Fabreque de Chine” (you can’t fool me with that fancy-pants French spelling) I knew it was made in China.  Her hat “Fabreque de Chine” This is wrong Disney stuff is US stuff—who do those Chinese people think they are!  Then I remembered a recent news article.  There are students in China who play video games all day and capture secret weapons, and codes, and special powers and stuff and then sell them to American kids.  The outrage—and I bet they play these games on machine “Fabrique de Chine” First it was chop sticks, then the Pandas, then coffee makers.  If they touch my wonton soup………

I guess we’re getting pretty close to our trip.  I’m feeling behind on my Romanian tapes, but I’ll try and catch up in the next week or so.  We also have a few ground transportation issues to resolve, but I think we worked out the train issue I mentioned last week.  We redirected ourselves to Bucharest from Brasov, this allows us to take a day train, and then come back into Brasov.  That avoids the overnight issue.  Once this is nailed, the rest will consist of a couple of e-mails and done.

 

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Feb 17th 2008

First things first–I’ve decided I’m for Hillary, I’m backing her all the way.  Number one it’s time we quit discriminating against people with three syllables in their name (Greg-O-Ry) and while O-bomb-A has three his starts with a vowel.  I’m not sure we’re ready for a three syllable vowel president (Okay Abe-ra-ham) but that was a long time ago.  Secondly maybe if she gets to be President she’ll go AWAY.  Whoever gets to be president will be another Jimmy (James) Carter.  Or better yet a Rich-ard Nixon.  War, bad economy, etc.  The if she gets to president and then booted maybe we’ll be done with the Clin-ton’s.  I saw a picture of her in a car the other day.  She had her chin in her hand and a look of intense concentration on her face.  In the midst of the photo op at the car making place she’s probably thinking “Now where is it you put the key, and whatever happened to the dimmer switch–isn’t it supposed to be by the brake.” I mean whens the last time she drove a car? Like 1982?  Anyway GO Hillary get elected get booted GO AWAY.  Write your memoirs or something.  She says she’s better than O-bomb-A because she’s in the “solutions” business not the “promises” business.  Solutions for what? 

I think I finally figured out what’s up with this global warming.  Remember back about twenty years ago when everyone was worried about the ozone hole?  And we had to get hairspray and stuff that gives you carpal tunnel syndrome?  And then you couldn’t put your own freon in the car because of the ozone hole?  Well I haven’t heard about the ozone hole lately.  I guess it’s closed up AND THE HEAT CAN’T GET OUT.  It’s all stuck.  Remember they were talking about a new ice age back then?  That’s because all the heat was escaping.  Now we fixed the ozone hole and have global warming.  Maybe if everyone got a little hairspray.  Stop global warming use fluorocarbons!!  Now I know people in the Southern Hemisphere wouldn’t like it if they got a bunch of ozone hole sunshine–but hey it’s for the good of the planet.  Now Albert “I won a prize” Gore doesn’t agree.  He went to the United Nations and made a speech.  I wish he hadn’t won a prize because maybe he couldn’t make so many speeches then.  He told everyone there to “scrub” their investment portfolios for companies that have high carbon assets.  He said and I quote from the speech

“–as my good redneck friends in Tennessee say I guarandamntee you–” WHAT!! Question how many really good redneck friends does Albert “I won a prize” Gore have?.  Is he making fun of Tennesseans?  Who is he to call someone a redneck?  And then that language.  THIS WAS AT THE UNITED NATIONS.  In China they’re saying. “Imperialistic Americans don’t know how to say things nice–Go China Go China HA HA HA. 

Now about that satellite.  I guess we’re going to shoot it down because it’s got a bunch of hydrobenzontitepolygramflorstuff in it.  I hope we can hit it.  The Chinese shot down one of their satellites and thought they were really hot stuff.  So it would be embarrassing if we missed.  And then NASA is worried about getting the shuttle back before then because they’re afraid we might miss and shoot the shuttle.  They made a big joke about it like “Hey I think the missile guys like us and won’t shoot our shuttle.”  But maybe it would be an accident.  Then the Chinese would laugh at us and say “Imperialistic American schools don’t work.  They train their students to shoot down own spaceship–Go China Go China HA HA HA” I am very worried about this.  And on top of that Putin says “Don’t shoot your satellite, because it’s really an excuse to test your anti-satellite system and a sign of warmongering”  I say shut up, it’s our shuttle or satellite or whatever and we can shoot it up if we want.  Putin didn’t make Parades list of the 10 worst dictators. 

That parade magazine makes me mad.  Why do they stick it in the middle of all that advertising stuff?  It takes about ten minutes to find it.  I think they should stick it somewhere else.

What’s a superdelegate?  I hope they all go for Hillary “One and done and go away” Clinton

Anyone up on the debate about the new Girl Scout cookies.  It’s front page news in our paper.  I’m not too happy.  I bought about four cases of Tagalongs, and they’re broke.  I want to send them back but I can’t find a girl scout.  I think they’re all is disguise now.  Who’d a thunk the girl scout scam would be like this.  Ellen made fun of me last Sunday about girl scouts.  Some girl scout came to the door but I sent her away saying ‘Go away”  I thought she was selling more broke cookies.  But then the girl scout mom called and said ‘Don’t you want your cookies you ordered?” Ellen thought this was funny. (Alzheimer’s)

Well they discover a new dinosaur in the Sahara desert.  It’s called “fierce-eyed dawn shark”  How do they know?  All they found were bones.  So maybe–they don’t know–it was a doe-eyed dawn shark.  Maybe it was nocturnal.  I think they were Swedish, the scientists not the dinosaurs.

Now about this blog.  When I put a www. something in you have to put your mouse  (why are they called a mouse?) and click it.  That sends a message to the web master that they got a link from me.  That will help me get sponsors.  And I need some because I like www.stellaartois.com but I need more money at www.BB+T.com to be able to get in my www.pontiac.com and go to www.krogers.com using www.shell.com and stop at www.homedepot.com on the way home. 

Go Hillary Go Hillary HA HA HA

Sunday Feb 10th 2008

Okay I’ve done this for a week, Mark says to keep it up and I’ll get a big following, and then get sponsors, and then make lots of money for doing what I’m doing anyway.  Now he might be on to something as 10 strangers have come to this site in the last week.  So I need to go for sponsors (I like Coke www.coke.com) especially when I’m driving (www.Pontiac.com) burning up gas (www.Shell.com).

Okay I’m a little upset with the www.riteaide.com pharmacy.  I went there a few weeks ago to buy some stuff.  I got this bottle of vitamins that look just like www.oneadayvitamins.com plus I got a cheaper price and 50% extra for free.  Then I get home and read the directions and I’m supposed to take two a day.  TWO!!! these things are the size of a peanut, plus when you read the info from www.rda.comyou get about 300% of the recommended daily amount so if you only take one you still get a bunch of riboflavin or whatever.  I only take one.  Ellen says she can’t take the chocking, gagging, spitting sounds as it is and twice as much would be bad.  Then I get some toothpaste there too.  Now right on the back it says “Keep out of the reach of children under 6″  and right next to it are directions for kids under 6.  How can this be, if you keep it away from them they can’t use it.  I am off the www.riteaide.com pharmacy.

Okay so now we have a new space thing going on.  This is to buiild some big telescope.  I read about this in the www.newsandobserver.comWhat is funny is the European Union is building what they call the European Extremely Large Telescope, which they down-graded from (this is what the paper says the Overwhelmingly Large Telescope.  I think Britain should build the British Immensely Gigantic Big Mirror Telescope (The B.I.G. B.M. Telescope).

Some housekeeping things

Castro is still alive

Mac wrote me just yesterday about his plumbing. He says it’s old and leaky.  He told me he tried to explain it to someone but got all confused, because he couldn’t remember the parts he needed.  I personally dislike plumbing problems because it’s messy and the parts come in so many different sizes that don’t ever seem to fit together right.  I usually leak too.

Last Sunday I put out some more stinky deer stuff, it’s that expensive but effective www.liquidfence.com stuff.  Then I continued to do a little scraping and priming www.kilz.com with stuff I bought at www.homedepot.comBut the real killer was later in the evening I decided to trim my hair a little.  I guess my hand slipped and I ended up shaving a spot right along the side of my head, like half a mohawk.  Ellen (Alzheimer’s) got all upset and said I looked stupid so she made me go to www.fantasticsam’s.com Now first of all they still wouldn’t give me a discount (I mean I’d already done half the work, and there’s not so much to do any more anyway) and then the hair lady at www.fantasticsam’s.com said “I don’t know what you did but don’t do it again”  THAT”S WHAT ELLEN SAID.  I told her www.fantasticsam’s.comlady I can get in trouble with Ellen “Alzheimer’s” my wife but I’m paying you with my www.BB+T.com debit card so don’t fuss at me and besides I deserve a bald guy discount.  And I stormed out and went to www.McDonald’s.comWho is this Fantastic Sam anyway? Why is he so fantastic/ I would never name my business Fantastic Greg’s–Hey Sam look up ostentatious–Sheesh

Well John (one syllable) McCain (two syllables) looks like the www.GOP.com guy.  I guess Rudy had too many syllables.  I don’t have very strong feelings one way or the other right now.

I know you’re dying to hear about my new lunchbox.  You know the one a bought at www.target.com Well I took lunch three times last week.  People made fun of me because they said I had weird combinations of stuff.  One day I took some soup, fried chicken, www.fritos.com and grape juice.  I don’t think is was so nice of them to make fun of me.

You can comment on this on my blog site.  I checked every day and only got one comment.  You should also send this to all your friends.  That way I can get a sponsor sooner and then I can eat whatever I want for lunch and no one will make fun of me.  My lunch box was made in China, soon I will have lead poisoning, then people will feel bad about making fun of me.  Tomorrow I’m going to take some soup www.campbell’s.com, a sandwich, regular www.lays.com potato chips and apple juice.